At each weekly market her plans became more concentrated, more precise, more calculated, more organised down to the drift of vanilla scented rose petals scattered before her feet as she made her way into the birthing pool with specially selected cd's of the sounds whales traveling majestically through the oceans in sinc with each stage of her labour.
As Keisha went off to serve a customer, Catherine said rather quietly "In my day the birth plan was how to get to hospital in time and not kill the husband. She doesn't have a clue, what are they doing to these young mums? Feeding them a romantic notion that they are in total control at all times?".
We both had tried to tell her that giving birth, though incredibly beautiful the end result is, is far from the romantic tribal, heavens will open up and angels will sing at the blessed event, that Keisha perceived, or far worse, expected it to be.
Amazing as giving birth is, we feared that Keisha's view of amazing was a whole lot different from the real amazing that it is.
We could only wait and see, we both concluded, though Catherine did stipulate that if Keisha's plan did go off, then Catherine was going back to the maternity hospital, demanding a refund.
We both knew from Richard that Keisha never swore, never ever. Catherine did warn him on this occasion, she might.
Keisha and her husband Richard had the plan worked to military precision. They scoured, interviewed almost kidnapped a Doula for the planned home birth of their first child.
She preferred her child to be born a week early, so that the babe would still be a Taurean and not a Gemini (her brother is one).
With strict adherence to yoga and pilates during her pregnancy, she was assured of a supple easy, short labour.
Her disciplined diet nourished her body to optimum peak levels to sustain the labour, while simply focusing away the duration of each contraction, using the mental exercises she had been religiously practising.
In the rest time between each contraction she would be waited on hand & foot, with luxurious massages from Richard, both their mothers and 7 of her best gal pals, who would also offer the reflective girly deep & meaningfuls to the beauty of life, marking the first of the friends to embark on the glorified journey into motherhood.
Herbal teas, exotic fruits were ordered along with the 14 hours of compiled whale & dolphin sounds while a labour completely drug free of pain relief was underway. With her Doula, guaranteeing to be there every step of the way, Keisha planned the weekend labour to begin as the sun shone mid afternoon with the beauty of the breaking dawn heralding the arrival of the most beautiful child ever to grace the earth. The beauty of their son Aaron, was the only part of the plan they got right.
2 weeks overdue and completely over it after a few false alarms that had everyone jumping around in nervous fits, Keisha went into labour in the middle of the night. Soaking her husband's pyjama's as her waters broke in bed.
Keisha's calls to the Doula went unanswered, as Richard frantically scoured the house for the box containing the wadding pool bought several months ago. Both soon to be grandmothers wanted a few more hours sleep. Most of her girlfriends had to work so they'll be in afterwards, a couple did turn up, but ended up going home for some sleep and a change of clothing by the time the grandmothers arrived. The day was wet, cold and windy; not the sunshine Keisha assumed.
14 hours later, as Richard tried to massage his wife's back, she told him to shove off mid contraction. Escaping to a hot coffee in the kitchen whilst the next contraction was in full swing, he heard his wife scream out "Fuuuuuuuuccckkking hellllllllllllllllllll". The next 5 minutes is completely censored.
The Doula turned up at 3pm, having come directly from another birth, told Keisha after examination that she was only 4cm dilated.
4 more hours later, Keisha was yelling for someone to "Turn off that f$#%&ing music before she personally strangles every f&%*ing whale on the planet or any person left standing in the room".
24 hours later, the single girlfriends had long since gone home, the newly married ones double checked their pill dosage and Richard's hair was getting curlier with every agonising expletive filled groan that erupted from his wife's normally demure and very pretty mouth.
After 30 hours, Richard and the 2 grandmothers were getting a little anxious about the labour along with Keisha's screaming pleas for the monster inside of her to get out now.
Keisha was strong, she wanted pain relief ever so badly but didn't ask. There was no point really, her birth plan included the complete eviction of any pain relief from house prior, lest she be tempted. A real mother doesn't use pain relief she told us on her last market day, she rejoices at the pain of her labour bringing her closer to the divine goddess state of Motherhood.
Catherine & I took bets.
After 36 hours of solid labour, the Doula called it quits to a home birth this time and called the hospital. As Keisha was being settled in the ambulance, it didn't take them much to suggest a shot of Pethadine to take the edge of the contractions as she was too exhausted to argue.
4 hours later, the early evening night devoid of shining stars, blackened even more by the onslaught of gale force freezing cold wind & rain, little Aaron was finally born. With just a little intervention such as forceps and a lot of pain relief, Keisha boasted at needing only 2 little stitches to push out a baby that felt like the size of a f@*&ing elephants head.
3 weeks later when Keisha came to the markets to show off their beautiful baby boy we couldn't wait to meet, she honed in on Catherine & I.
"OK which one of you won? You must have been laughing at my birth plan! I must have sounded like a raving lunatic! an evangelist naturalist or something! why didn't you tell me, come on!"
I put up my finger and said "I gave you 12 hours, Catherine gave you 5 hours before you called for the drugs. I am impressed, 36 hours and we did try and tell you"
Keisha laughed, "I'm telling you now, next time I want to be sucking the happy gas as soon as the first contraction hits"
Catherine & I thought it was a good sign that she said 'next time'.
3 years later, Aaron is brought in by his grandfather to meet Hunter, his new baby brother. Born at home after a 6 hour labour using the wadding pool, surrounded by just the Doula, Richard and her mother with absolutely no f@*&ing whale music, as Keisha colourfully quoted.
Remember Birth Plans shouldn't be on how the birth will proceed but 'How you wish to be treated' during the birth and how to get to the hospital or birthing centre is still very, very important, trust me!
Take into consideration the following
1) If you havent had a baby before, no matter how much other woman describe their labour & birth, its like no other experience you ever had before or can measure against, until you have had a baby.
2) Each labour will be different but the stages will be the same.
3) Dont be stubborn! pain relief can be beneficial! Having the edge taken off, so to speak, allows women to flow more with the tide of contractions progressing the labour productively.
4) Listen to good advice and your gut instinct! if your gut instinct says NO then its NO!
5) Consider your own or family's personal beliefs and or religious protocols.
6) Consider a few worst case scenario's. I know its not nice to contemplate, but it should be well thought through. Best to expect the worst, hope for the best and take whatever comes.
7) Old fashioned I know but, "How to get to hospital, birthing centre or the lounge room" in 10 different situations plus having a call upon drop list of emergency "Drive me to the hospital quick, because I cant get in touch with my husband" people is a real must. Trust me on that one, I know!
8) Dont be disapointed to come home with the baby you wished for but not the birth you wanted. At the end of the day the best outcome is the 2 of you coming home together. Please dont succumb to feelings of being cheated out of the birth you wanted, as nothing will cheat you from being the mother you are. Children will remember their mother & father not their birth.
9) The Birthing/Push present. Make sure to write that down and place in several distinctive places where your partner cant miss. One note of advice, circling a piece of jewelry in a catalogue in bright red texta and placing on the fridge is a hint that most men dont get, trust me!
Try in his lunch, pinned to each one of his undies, gaffa taped to his steering wheel, on his computer screen, recorded in his appointment dairy, daily.
